No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
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“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no