If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
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Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
you have three unread messages
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Okay, I’m still confused…
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first