sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
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A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.