Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
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Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
Mmmm. Shoeshi
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
not for long
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered