Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
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[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.