I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
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If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”