My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
You Might Also Like
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
The dark side of Canada
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”