My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
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This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
December birthdays be like…
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”