I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
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If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe