I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
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90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.