They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
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No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
I know this now 😂
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
Good Morning.
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache