Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
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Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
They must have gotten it to go.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.