I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
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The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
Do one person every day that scares you.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re