[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
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On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
Trumpy Cat
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children