[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
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Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-