Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
You Might Also Like
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.