God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
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[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
#CatsOnTwitter
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…