There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
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A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
I can fix him.
first you must answer his riddles
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
Them: Just act casual
Me:
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.