Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
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The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
When your man makes a valid point
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened