Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set