hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
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Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
There鈥檚 two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 馃槣
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can鈥檛 have it.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.