Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
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My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”