Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
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My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
Love is in the air fryer.
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.