When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
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Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
[eats all your cotton candy]
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.