I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
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During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
If a snake ate a cake
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition