Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
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AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.