Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
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Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
Oh hi lol
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.