Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
You Might Also Like
look at me when i’m typing to you
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
Donkey Kong sommelier