Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
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When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today