The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
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i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are