“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
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I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
dictator is short for richard potato
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi