If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
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Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
Sorry I made promises on Friday
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!