*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
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My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist