Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
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[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?