Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
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Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *