A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
You Might Also Like
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees