Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
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SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
Don’t tell me what to do
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
so, is there a mister shapen head
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?