ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
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*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
Name this drama.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.