Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
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Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
broke down and did it
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.