You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
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On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.