a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
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Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
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Me: Same.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
I’m sorry…what?
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence