The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
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and now we wait
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.