Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
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Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
Oh boy, $150,000!
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.