*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
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If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter