My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
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If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’