I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
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My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Am getting real tired of your crap…
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*