I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
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Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
Anime is real
Monday
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
Same post same
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”