After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
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I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
For the baby who has everything
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party