“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
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Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter