I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
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My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
You’ll be OK
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
.. do you even science?
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-